Into The Rats
I wish i had the perfect song to describe how i feel right now, because it’s easier to cope with my haunted feelings when it’s through some type of veil in the twisted form of a song.
But it’s more then that. It’s the bugs, crawling up and down my arms when I’m near you, and the rats sitting inside of my stomach, waiting until you move again.
Then, soon enough, just as i knew you would, you move over and away from me. For a terrifying two minutes, i sit in my chair, body frozen, as i feel the bugs invade me again, free to push the fear and the guilt out, and into every open pour i have left, until you’re by my side again.
Your feet move like a dance, switching motives and tactics, and painting patterns of oxygen into the stale air with each step you take. Each time you move away from me, it’s with the same choreographically planned reaction. The bugs, and the rats crawl at my subconscious until you’re back again. And i know you’ll come back because you always do.
If one day, we could become wrapped together like a gift on christmas, i’d want us to be shipped off into a place sage and blue, where it’s soft and sweet. I wouldn’t ever feel the need to uncoil myself from you, because life doesn’t seem to require me too. i would be free, and you would be safe. No space would be alloted between us because no one would be watching in our perfect paradise.
But this is not paradise, and never will be. This is a rainy day in May full of bugs and rats and shuffled feet, desperately trying to close the space up, in between us while others paste their greedy eyes elsewhere. This is a yellow room, with a wall of windows taunting us, whispering inside of our skin, to climb out and run into the green, together and unafraid.
You act like this isn’t what you wanted, or like you didn’t plan it, and frankly so did i, until the bugs came, and i stopped lying to myself in order to stop the panic and accept my reality. Because i fell in love with the quiet in your voice, and the touch of your skin. shuffled feet, and sniffled breaths. I feel in love with your thoughts and beliefs. All i can do now is soften the blow with truth, as I’m beginning to fall into a pile of rats overthrowing my mind, and replacing it with utter chaos.